>>17526700I understand what you mean. I am indeed antagonistic to the world and do not consider myself to be a part of it in a deeper sense. This doesn't result in me actively hating the world or the people in it however. I am something much worse than that - I am indifferent to the world and its people. While this would imply egotism, this is not the case. I am deeply aware of my shortcomings, but my understanding of my shortcomings is intrinsically tied to my perceived lack of power. I do not strive to be a "good" or "evil" person but simply an independent, sovereign one with enough "muscle" to force my will upon things. This is mellowed by my general disinterest in everything and a personal preference for playing defense. This may appear strange to you, but it's not at all uncommon in my culture or its understanding of life.
Yes, I am an extremist by nature who sees things as black/white with little room for nuance. Life is simply something I endure by necessity and my entire experience of it and actions within it are geared towards eternity. I yearn for unchangeable permanence. It is of no consequence whether or not any metaphysical theory is correct or not, or if there is no existence whatsoever after death, because both variations imply an unchanging state of things.
Now, given all of that I just wrote - it is precisely Gura that makes me step out of it entirely. That is her power. She completely transforms this entire landscape of mine into something I only very vaguely remember from my earliest childhood. It is a memory of life that has its roots in the darkness that comes before me, before my birth, before my individuality. I believe this is why I felt as if I knew her from "long ago" when I first became aware of her. She is my exact opposite, me if I developed "positively" instead of "negatively." Degrees may apply of course, it's difficult to gauge these things. I'm not trying to imply we're on the same level or that I'm equal to her in any way. But here's the important bit. Even if all you said were true, and they really are friends, I cannot deviate from my opinion of the situation. I must under any and all circumstances follow the course I have set out for myself without deviation, compromise or half-measures. I do not budge. I do not compromise. I do not negotiate. And yes, I am aware how absurd it is, I am aware how inherently wrong it is and that it is neither a good way to live nor a strategically sound one, but I have no other option. I know what the alternative looks like, and it's about hyenas ripping me to pieces. Not on the Internet mind you, but in real life. I am also acutely aware that Gura would probably dislike me immensely, make no mistake about that either. This is fine, this is good. Why would a star busy itself with the darkness around it?
tl;dr You are absolutely right, but it still changes nothing for me. I cannot afford to be anything but who I am, unapologetic and in the midst of hatred if necessary.
Now let us watch zoomers diagnose this or that or post memes.
