>>2404645Source is from herself.
I am writing this with a lot of emotion, so my story may be strange.
The year 2020 was a year of great change for me, both good and bad.
The Internet and reality have both changed a lot.
And I learned a lot of things. I was able to notice my lacking manners and common sense.
I realized how scary the Internet is.
I was sanctioned for my negligence.
I'm going to accept my mistakes, and I'm going to work hard on my Internet activities, never forgetting the mistakes I've made so that I don't make the same mistakes again.
Back to reality: The first half of this year, up until September and October, was a real hell.
I can't go into details about the first half of it for various reasons.
The latter part, as I think I wrote in my diary before, was really a bad, bad, bad home environment.
I couldn't stand the current situation and tried to kill myself many times to take my life. It ended in failure, though.
I'll skip that part since nothing will come of writing a complaint at the end of the year.
Anyway, it was hard. It was hard. I lived well.
I guess it's more correct to say that I couldn't die rather than that I lived.
Originally, my real life environment was not good, and the Internet was my only playground and place to escape from reality.
When it became difficult to live even on the Internet, I thought it was over.
I jumped from the seventh floor of my apartment building.
I couldn't die. If anything, I didn't even break a bone.
Up until now, I had been able to control my strength a little because I was scared and still had some hope. But on this day, I had no fear, no hope, and really wanted to die.
I'm immortal for nothing.
During my first hospitalization, I didn't want to go back to reality so much that I asked the doctor who came to check my temperature to euthanize me.
I'm embarrassed to say that before I was hospitalized for a stomach ulcer, I was in a crazy state of mind and was thrown into the hospital.
I don't remember exactly what happened there, but it was a mess.
After I was released from the hospital, I went home, but what awaited me was hell, and I was bedridden in my room every day.
I was so stressed out from not being able to live freely and from various other reasons that I developed gastritis.
I want to die, but I can't. It's just too painful. I need your help.
I have always been proud, and I don't like to be thought of as more unhappy or ungrateful than others, so I have never come out on the Internet about my situation.
It's the same at school. I always acted like I was from a normal family, or even a privileged family. I don't like to be pitied.
I didn't like to be pitied.
I didn't like to be ridiculed in a "poor me" kind of way. It made me feel dumb.
At this point in my life, I was so overwhelmed that I raised the white flag and said, "I can't do this anymore.
I gave up.
At that time, one of my fans introduced me to a website called Fanbox after hearing about my intentions.
"You can ask for help. I want to help you. There are more than a few people who want to help you.
He said this to me. He also threw many other warm words at me.
To be honest, I didn't trust him or the other fans at first.
I don't think I had a good image of myself at the time, and I say that playfully. I'm teasing you. I thought everyone around me was my enemy.
Anyway, you need to sort out your emotions and get out everything you think.
It's free to do, and even if they made fun of me, it didn't change the fact that I was really hurting at the time, so I fearfully posted the first article.
I think I kept it a little safe because I wanted to see how it went.
A lot more people responded than I had expected. Rather than being happy, it was strange.
I can tell you what was going through my mind now, but since the amount of information is different between Japan and other countries, I was worried that I might be perceived as a victim without knowing everything. I felt so guilty that I could not be honestly happy.
But thanks to that guilt, I made up my mind to make a fresh start.
At least, because there are kind-hearted people supporting me like this.
I decided to try my best to do my activities just for those people.
