>>34555621>But that's how it isThis is exactly my problem, it shouldn't have been this way.
My entire life I spent trying to avoid getting too invested in anything, I never watched streamers, I never got invested in celebrities, I never read fanfiction of the shows I watched, I never got to the point where I would call myself a real "fan" of something, because I knew making my happiness dependent on content that someone else controls would inevitably fuck me when that content goes to shit.
Then comes Hololive, easing me in with cute girls and cute clips, one step removed from the actual streams that they come from, so I began watching them, it felt safe enough. Even when I watched streams, I didn't understand most of what they say because Japanese, so I couldn't get too parasocial. I never commented on their streams, I never posted in chat, never sent superchats. I didn't follow any one holo's streams or twitter posts, never put any interest in their roommates. I looked down on people who spent real money to talk to vtubers. Everything was still fine.
Then comes HoloEN and Gura, and I was completely fucked. I fell in love with her on debut, I never had a chance.
Now my mental state changes at her every whim. Every day that she streams, it's a good day no matter what. Every day she doesn't stream, I spend the whole day thinking about her, imagining what she might be up to, watching for the rare retweet or fanart like, saving every decent piece of fanart of her, posting about her /here/, wondering when she'll next stream. A member's only post is enough to keep me happy for days after because I can look at it later and imagine she sent it to me. If she spends too long not streaming or putting out content, I invariably feel myself going more and more schizo. I'm an addict, unable to find the same joy in anything else in my life but her.
What really gets me is that I KNEW this would happen. I knew if I got too close I'd get obsessed, and I'd never be happy on my own again, but I couldn't escape it. Now this is it, I'm entirely at her mercy for as long as she exists on the internet. I wish I had never become a chumbud.
