>>35260428So I read part one, and here's my thoughts:
I think the beginning has too much of an exposition dump about the main character and his life, it probably would have been better to reveal that over time through character interactions rather than narration, or at least some of it.
You said that you had broken up the paragraphs earlier, but there's still some huge walls of text that almost take up the whole screen, it might be better to break up the really big ones even more.
You switch between present tense and past tense now and then, especially during action/description sequences. Most of the story is in present tense but then there's occasionally lines like:
>Your anxiety grew with each step you took, why was no one here?>Still pride swelled in you again, you were able to take two more down without so much as a scratch.It's a common mistake when writing in second person and I used to make it as well. It's an easy fix so just keep it in mind.
Anon seems very, very calm given the situation. There's hardly any confusion, hesitation or inner panic as he faces down against shadowy monsters in an unknown castle, almost as if that's a regular occurrence for people in this world. Struck me as unnatural.
Finally, I really do think you should have added a chuuba into it, even for just a small scene and interaction. Maybe have them be a resident of the village or something. Holofantasy for example can get away with long instances of no chuubas because it already has a lot of chuuba characters established and connected to the story and what is happening. This story on the other hand is new and feels like a purely OC story at the moment so it has almost nothing to motivate me to keep reading.
Anyway, it might sound like I'm just bagging on this story but it wasn't awful. There's definitely potential, especially if you can put a unique spin on the usual fantasy world. Your writing is better than a lot I've seen so keep practicing, it can only get better.
