>>39556353I'm questioning the meaning of my life ngl. All I did until now was because I wanted to make her happy and even if I know I'm deluded I did what I could to make her notice me because I wanted to become her friend, a real friend not just a pretend/ironic/meme friend in chat.
I'm on holiday break from work but I don't have a reason to go work anymore and I'm in a hiatus myself, I don't have anything I want to do besides being with her and any chance I had didn't work and there won't be another chance ever again.
I'm a day 1 chumbud but only membered less than a year ago because I didn't have a job, I got a job and did my best because she motivated me but things have started going bad since she took the depression break in october, the fact she kept all inside and never entrusted me/the fans with her troubles just demoralized me more every day.
Probably if she doesn't come back for february 14th I dunno what I might do, maybe I'll enlist for the Russian army and throw myself away on the frontlines, I will wait and see what happens but I lost almost all hope. Maybe I'm just too scared of death and I'm just making excuses to delay the inevitable, might as well do a flip and get it over with.
