I stopped watching and muted anything to do with her 8 months ago but for some inexplicable reason I clicked on her stream last night in the Holodex
Those 30 minutes of superchat reading I caught were incredibly cathartic and probably the most enjoyable vtuber content I've watched since despite all the other vtuber stuff I filled the void with
It might sound schizo but I don't think a day has gone by where I didn't think about her, which to be fair, is pretty damn difficult when you watch other Holos because everyone is so intertwined
I felt pretty damn hurt by it all back when everything happened, I never took issue with anything, moving arc, eating bread and cancelling streams because of it, potato, lockdown, etc like a lot of people did, I had no annoyances with her and I was happy so I felt blindsided by her actions and the shift in attitude
It was easier to just feel hate, or at least I thought it was, but it's not and I figured that out very early on but I still kept at it
I mean really, imagine trying to hate Ame, I watched this girl for nearly two years and heard every instance of how she goes out of her way to be kind and help others
Yeah she's stubborn and contrarian but so am I, I liked that about her it was relatable
But I did, for 8 months I tried to convince myself she's a terrible person
There are so many examples but one thing that has always stuck with me was when she talked about how she goes out of her way to converse with the elderly, I loved hearing that because I've always done the same thing
Projection feels like such a meme term anymore but I really think that's what I did because I'm an unbelievably vindictive and spiteful person, far beyond the scope of this I've thrown away so much more for so much less
I still do think some of her actions, or at least one—the karaoke—was pretty spiteful; I can't interpret it any other way and I don't think I'm capable of looking past it, but it's also not fair to hold her (or anyone) to such unattainably high standards that I myself can't reach
I could make the improve yourself joke but it feels actually fitting it my case (I didn't take any issue with her saying that fwiw)
I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm not looking for anything, this is just some schizo diary entry that's close enough to page 10 that it can be adequately ignored
I also condensed this like 3 times, kek
Take care and I hope you continue to enjoy Ame