I recently stopped enjoying streams. I recently stopped eating every day. I recently stopped enjoying alcohol. I recently stopped enjoying cigarettes. I recently stopped enjoyong vidya. Even fapping isnt the same. I dont care how edgy or cringe this sounds but i havent cracked a smile let alone laugh since April. I find my everyday life boring, repeating, gray and trapping. Its the same thing everyday, I woke up at 1pm, eat, smoke, play vidya, smoke, play vidya, smoke, play vidya but with stream on second monitor, smoke, eat, get drunk, bath, masturbate, smoke, go to sleep. I want to live my life differently but i have no idea how to start, what to start where to start. What am i supposed to do? Nobody will remember or care about me when i die. I want to be loved, i want to be challenged, i want to grow, i want to leave my comfort zone im scared im scared im scared i want to change i want to change i want to change i want to change i want to be better i want to be good i want to be able to be happy i want to make others happy i want to stop being miserable i want to make pops proud i dont want to kill myself i have yet to experience so many things what am i supposed to do how do i change what what what what what what what what what what how how how how how how how how how how how how i want to stop hating myself i want to stop hating the world but its so cruel to me its scary im scared i want to be accepted but its so hard i want to be liked why does nobody gives me a chance why do i let people down when they do i should just die die die die die die die die die die die die die im scared but i should do it i dont want it to be quick or painless just certain man im scared i dont want to but it seems so easier so much to live for so much if dad wasnt around i would have done it already for fucks sake i have to do something or i will go crazy
