Three years ago I barely felt anything until she came along and I got hooked. She made me happy, and she made me want to be happy again. I had bad sleeping habits, needed a job, and wasted every single day. She helped me feel again, feel happy, feel proud, feel excited. I got motivated and found a job that I've moved up in quickly, I was doing my reps, I was enjoying life. I got to a point where I still followed her as close as possible but I was able to enjoy life during her break days and when she wasn't around. I loved her and still do and used that feeling to make life something enjoyable. Since last year and mainly the last few months things have been wearing on me though. My motivation is slowly draining and so are my emotions. I don't think it's the lack of seeing her that did it, it's because things feel less genuine in a sense these days. Twitter usage is rarer than it was, the members tab is barren, and we just get so much less than we used to. I don't think my happiness was directly dependent on her, because I was able to enjoy a lot of things when she wasn't around, but these days she doesn't do much to help motivate me either. I think it would be much easier if it felt like she cared more, even while working on projects or needing some break time for whatever reason. I'm sure she does and I know it's hard for her, but just a few more small things from her would go a long way right now. My heart still flutters when she reads my superchats or chat messages, but I feel like the excitement for other things has lessened greatly. I just want to get back to something closer to the old normal, and I want to feel excited in the same ways I used to before.
I apologize for the blogpost, I wasn't planning on writing so much and I don't expect anyone to actually read this post. I just needed to say it somewhere.
I still love her more than anything.
