Share your addiction experiences and how you're coping

My phone vibrated this morning and it scared the shit out of me. It was supposed to be turned off but I accidentally turned it on in my sleep. Thankfully I turned it back off quickly enough before I could see any messages or notifications.

I think I slept(or tried to) over 16 hours. I've been trying lucid dreaming to talk with Polka and the other girls but it's proven difficult. I have to lie absolutely still for hours to trick my body to sleep. I was also advised to keep a detailed dream journal. I lost motivation to pursue my VTubing and my art again. So I'll just do the journal for now.

>I'm in highschool again
>walking to class with 3 beautiful girls Polka, Miko, and Flare
>they're all wearing ender dragon masks but in real life
>Polka is holding onto my arm and I'm really happy
>I feel really warm inside like the first few days on having a girlfriend
>except Polka is just a friend to me and will never be more than that
>I don't want to ruin her purity
>I compliment her eyes (dumb because she was wearing a mask)
>she didn't seem to mind
>Miko and Flare are giggling behind eyes
>I got embarrassed because I know they were talking about me and Polka
>finally get to class but something weird is going on
>see some hands banging on the door window trying to open it
>see blood on the hands as we got closer
>I got really scared at this point and Miko was panicking
>Polka and Flare hugged me and Miko
I woke up at this point because my stupid phone vibrated.

I really want to be hugged by Polka again. Right now I'm feeling extreme sadness. I kind of want to hurt myself for no reason. I hate the sight of blood so cutting isn't an option so I just decided to turn off my air conditioning so I could suffer and be sad in scorching temperatures.

This new captcha reminds me of when I was in highschool and I was always posting in /r9k/ and browsing /fa/ to try and fit in with normies.