Hello, to be honest I don't know why I'm even writing this post, I guess i just want to express my feelings so I can also understand them better. I was a Nijisanji EN fan for like a year and a half. When Lazulight debuted I did check them out and liked them, but at that moment I was a fanboy of Holo EN so I didn't really follow the niji girls. Until Luxiem debuted, from that point on I started to watch a lot of Niji EN, and I ended up becoming a fan of the whole group. That happened at the same time I was in a very dark place mentally and literally. I was almost homeless, my mom and brother were very ill and in extreme pain, and I was depressed. The only thing that made me keep going was Nijisanji EN. It might sound like I'm being exaggerated, but I mean it. I started to fantasize about joining Niji EN. I did participate in 2 auditions. I didn't have any friends, my family sucked and my living situation was horrible.
So, for me, watching Niji EN was the only thing that made me happy and comfortable, watching such funny and, what I thought were amazing people was not only entertaining but inspiring. I always felt like I would never have friends, I didn't believe friendship was real. But Nijisanji showed me a group of people that really felt like a family. So my dream was to be there with them. They gave me motivation to do not one but two auditions and actually do something besides being in bed all day. Nijisanji EN was what gave me dreams and hope. I specifically liked Enna, funnily enough I didn't liked her at first because I saw her for the first time in a clip insulting Reimu and I thought she was a bully... But then I started to watch her more and learned that she was a "good" person. I don't mean to trauma dump, but I did have an self delete attempt during that time, my depression was huge. The only thing that brings happiness to my life at that moment was Nijisanji, watching a group of friends, no , a family, of such good and talented people, i really admired them all. I even started practicing my English to be able to enter Nijisanji or to find my own group of friends, my own family of great people like Nijisanji. Niji EN really impacted my life in a positive way. Enna, Millie, Elira, Ike, Fulgur, Pomu, Selen, Luca, Mysta, Rosemi Sama. My oshis made me so happy and thanks to all of them I kept going...
But, now it seems like all that stuff, that beautiful family full of love and friendship was a lie, I can't support them anymore knowing there's a bully among them, and it hurts that they helped me not have any more attempts, but they pushed Doki to attempt it. As you might have realized, Niji EN was my safe place in the world, but now, it's gone, and I feel lost. My life has gotten bad again, and now that I need Nijisanji EN all of this happened. I feel disappointed and betrayed, now I don't have anything that gives me hope or motivation, and now I'm even more skeptical about meeting people. If such betrayal, harassment, and chaos exists in my ideal family Nijisanji EN, what awaits me in the real world? I can't trust anyone anymore, I could be thrown under the bus just like Doki was. I'm lost and disappointed. I wish this was a nightmare and I could keep watching Niji EN while I eat breakfast and I could listen to Nijisanji songs, or drawing fanarts for them... When I stopped watching Holo EN to fully invest my time in Niji EN, I didn't sign up for this...
