>>1952029I've been there very very recently. The way I pushed thoughts of killing myself away was:
The realization that I only wanted to die because I wanted my life to end. I wanted my life to end because my life was so hard and shitty, and there was no hope. So really, I didn't want it to end - I wanted the shittiness to end: I actually just wanted to have a better life. Killing myself wasn't going to improve my life, so it was a really weird solution. I wasn't going to start over, I wasn't going to reincarnate in a new life.
I realized that I wanted to kill myself - ending my one and only chance at life - because I wanted my life to get better. That's a real nonsense solution. I didn't have a good solution, but I knew that wasn't it. By using that logic, I understood how absolutely terrible my depression (and depressed brain) was. That's depression's trick: convincing you that stupid nonsense things make sense.
Dying wouldn't let me see what happened after. It wouldn't be happier for me; I wouldn't even be able to feel the relief of no longer suffering. If there's no afterlife, there's absolutely nothing at all. No feelings, no existence, no watching the world after you're gone. That might sound appealing to a brain under so much horror and pain. But there is no relief. There is no getting better. There is no improvement or enjoyment or fulfillment after you cease to exist.
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Your life may be shit, and you hate it so much that you want it to end. You really just want the shit to end so you can live the life you want or at least one where you're content.
Please keep us updated. You can always reach out.
