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All in all I'm managing to move through life quite happily and not entirely isolated, but this thin membrane of autism has me constantly worried whenever I get the time to think of it that I'll never 100% get to enjoy the company of another person. I mean being social as an adult is tough enough but I just always get this dancing thought in the back of my mind thinking "you don't REALLY know this person and they don't really know you; and you probably wouldn't want them to because they wouldn't like seeing 100% of what you are" which is unfair because nobody would really want to show off their own entirety when they're aware of all their own flaws and I shouldn't count myself as any sort of exceptionally bad (I'm hardly evil or twisted just yet) but still the worry remains. I always block myself off from putting myself out there and seeing who'd want to be my friend or partner. I don't want to risk rejection in any capacity and I feel like a fool whenever I imagine how I could be worthy of company. I can enjoy friendships and yearn for loves so much but I won't ever fully commit to them because I have to see myself as a type of disposable, and thusly I won't get attached to them enough to avoid seeing them as disposable.
