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I'm very sorry to hear this OP. Please know that you deserve to feel happy in life, no matter what your mind might tell you or what your flaws are. I've had depressive/suicidal episodes throughout my life, although thankfully they've been few and far between.
I'd like to offer you some advice, and I hope you don't take it as me preaching or trying to minimize what you're going through. One thing that I've found helps with negative self talk is positive affirmations. They are corny and repetitive, but that's sort of the point. So many people have low self-esteem because their brain programming is flawed beyond belief. And that isn't their fault. If you closely examine music, television, movies, news, internet culture and even the way people talk, you'll see that negative programming is the norm. And the subconscious mind records everything, even if you don't consciously remember. Therefore, it makes sense that downloading a new "program" by listening to nauseatingly positive mantras can make a big difference. I like to listen to them as I'm falling asleep, but writing them down and consciously repeating them also works. Of course, this all takes time to kick in and needs to be paired with therapy, mindfulness, exercise, proper nutrition, social supports and a creative outlet. I hope this helps.
