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I cant stop thinking that somehow im two different people. I have done the most unimaginable shit, and yet it feels like someone else lived it.
Mentally, I feel like ive died many times and mentally I feel reincarnated in a way. Like Someone else triumphed and learned all those lessons but was "killed" in the process of doing so. That someone being me.
Homelessness where I was straight up stabbing other homeless people for their food, war overseas seeing firsthand how destructive we as humans are and how easily-OK we are with killing one another, minor moments of getting in trouble or causing serious trouble etc...Yet in each of those events of my life, someone else with the knowledge to somehow handle them, handled them. I look back at myself and just keep asking "was that all truly me? Who was I?"
Now, I feel like all of its accumulated to where I feel like if I attempted or was forced into any of those situations again that I would collapse under their pressure. Its disheartening to feel that I have survived so much and yet feel I could never handle any of it again. It makes me scared...Of everything...I cant hold or have any interest in a single person. Like tonight a girl at the bar tried to teach me to swing dance whilst a little tipsy, and all I could think of was how fast can I get outta here to stop tolerating this useless person.
Thats society to me. Useless. In the way. Nonunderstanding. Yet I forget many others are human like me....It sucks...Especially so in the sense of when someone asks who YOU ARE, and you...you just dont know. Ive been "reborn" so many times that...I dont know who i am....