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Ay, what the hell, here goes. I'm soon turning 30 and luckily I don't feel a crisis looming in the background since I finally changed from my nightmare of a desk job to manufacturing and my fellow operators have been nice to me and even drunkenly praised my work effort over beers. So that's a really big thing in my life that's settled, hopefully for years. About two years ago I sold my car and since then I've ridden my bike for about 10k miles and I feel it's the kind of thing that I long needed to counter the lazy fucker in me. Also last year I wanted to reduce my interwebs time and read more books. More asceticism and less fucking around, I guess. Since then I've read approx 30-40 so I think I do have some self-discipline going on.
I have good friends I can talk to and we occasionally meet over hobbies or activities. I'm a loner but I know you gotta put effort for your best friends because you need them in your life. I have a wonderful gf of 6 years and we've been planning on buying/getting a loan for a detached house when we find the one we've been looking for. In the meantime we're just piling up the money. So far we have about 50k€ each which isn't quite halfway there yet but not that far away either.
I have all these great things in my life but I feel like I'm just poking a hole here and there. If my life was a night sky it would have a nice starry view. If my life was a boat the water would slowly dribble in. But I want to be blinded by a nova, flooded by the water and drowned in an ocean, sink to the bottom and be crushed by the pressure. I want to be overwhelmed by something, be manically obsessed, be exhausted, feel like dying so I can feel I'm alive. I need something big that completely crushes me in the process. I want to write a book, build a motorcycle, carve a log cabin, create something of my own. But is it so simple as just starting? I have all the money and time to spare, I just feel I'm lost or scared or not disciplined enough.