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I was seeing a girl for only two months before Christmas, and she made it clear that she didn't want us to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Towards the end, however, she couldn't make her mind up; one minute it was "what will they think of your girlfriend" then "you know I can't be your girlfriend". Throughout it all, I never caught feelings and went in with my eyes wide open, knowing it wouldn't last long on account of her going back to her come country, and for me, it always felt like something was missing. She broke it off to chase some other guy and I explicitly told her it wouldn't work and she didn't think this through. When I was proved right, she convinced herself she hated me (even though she admitted to my face that I never treated her badly once) and displayed her crazy colours.
>I'm aware she acted this way because she wanted to purge the guilt she felt for fucking it all up for herself, and I'm aware that her convincing herself she hates me is a way she can rationalise the whole thing as a good overall decision.
What is my point?
I have never had a girlfriend before. I don't count her as a girlfriend, let alone ex-girlfriend, for the simple reason that I never thought of her as my girlfriend (nor called her such) when I was banging her, and the aforementioned explicit labelling that she didn't want (despite her later attempts to blur the lines). Despite this, everyone around me refers to her as my "ex-girlfriend", especially by saying "your crazy ex-girlfriend", despite my correcting them every time as she cannot by definition be my ex-girlfriend if she never was my girlfriend in the first place.
Now, the whole experience feels hollow and incomplete. Annoyingly, that's the closest I've ever come to having a girlfriend, and for the foreseeable future, that's as close as I'll get. So close and yet so far away, and it frustrates me that where I am now has so few opportunities to meet anyone.
I'm not being bloody-minded in my thinking, am I?
