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Putting it out there, since it is not like anyone will be able to connect this to my individual.
So, it is been years that I have been living with two main feelings in my life. I consider them "main" for they are what most define me as an individual and, overall, I am not someone very connected with feelings, so to say.
I have been feeling this melancholy for many years. In a bad day, it is there. A normal day, it is there. An enjoyable day, it is there as well.
It feels like I don't belong here. I feel the desire to go somewhere else, but, perhaps, there is no where else to go.
I wish to kill myself, but, if I do, I'll be no more and that is not what I desire. I just don't want to be here anymore.
This desire for killing myself is constant, but it is fine. That doubt of mine that there is no where to go afterwards keeps me locked here, in place. Although I wonder if something could change my mind. Perhaps a hallucination of some sort, who knows.
In the end, I don't think I want to be without that melancholy or suicidal desire. It seems like it is part of me and, without it, it wouldn't be me anymore.
But, anyway, that is one of them and enough as well.
