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There was a woman with whom I was going to have a child. The doctors then told us she would miscarry, then a week later that the baby was still alive, and then a few days after that the baby miscarried for realsies. It was very hard on both of us, but especially on her. I tried to be there for her to help, but I didn't do as good as I would've wanted to, and to be quite honest I was numb and dead emotionally due to the whole affair.
The first thing that happened, after we found out she was pregnant, was that she had a minor psychotic episode. She forgot who she was, who I was, started rambling about butterflies, was scared I would hurt her, and had a 5-second memory. I managed to ground her after a few hours of repeating a mantra of who I was and that I loved her. I don't blame her for the episode, and I guess I am slightly proud of myself for managing to help in that at least.
But we had a host of other issues. We broke up, and it hurts me that she still hates me and believes that it ended because I would've wanted to party, do drugs or meet other girls. This was fully not the case, but I understand that she would get that impression. Still, it hurts to think that I left her in that belief and that that is what she thinks of me. I suppose I should not bother myself since it's not relevant to me anymore, but it hurts and sometimes I wish I could explain it to her, for her sake and for mine.
I've been dating again since we stopped seeing each other, but I haven't felt any very strong connection with someone yet in a way that would last, but maybe it will come one day. I guess I should try to be hopeful, but there are better days and worse days.
