>>7815767I remember one day I was changing her pee bag and she had to hold still on the side for me to detach the full bag, empty it and attach it back on. Unfortunately she couldnt hold still as she was in intense pain, and ripped the whole catheter out of her and cried while screaming at me. I was covered in piss, blood and tears as my mom weakly tried to slap my face in delirium. I felt like something broke inside me.
She got taken to the ER and later we received the final diagnosis. Cancer.
Immediately she got transferred to a tumor clinic where they did all sorts of therapies. Due to the coof visits were strictly forbidden, we only heard eachother over phone for the next 3-4 months. The new therapy made her head clearer, for better or for worse. She was acutely aware of her seemingly unavoidable demise, away from her family in a hospital, drowning in pain. She blamed us for not visiting, she cried "why do you hate me so much?" and told us how afraid she was to never see us again.
Sadly she passed away a bit before May last year. My dad is the toughest guy I know but this shit broke him.
A month after that grandma returned with the same bs. We needed money so instead of going to college I started looking for a job after hs, and as September came round grandmother passed away, leaving me and my old retired dad all alone.
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Well, its been almost a year from that point. Almost all my friends are in college, they moved on with their lives. Only I seem to be stuck in this rut. I wake up, go to work, come home and collapse in my bed.
The people I cared for are dead, or have moved on. Except for my dad. I think about ending it every day, since a long time ago. It was always the thought my loved ones finding me in that pitiful state and their grief which caused me to not do it. But in the near future? My dad is 68 and who knows how much longer he has, and the thought of ending it after he's gone is a constant resonance
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