>>7501745Everything I want to like sucks, I suck at everything I want to do despite years of trying, my friendship groups are ruined by one or two guys that are just gigacunts I despise but everyone else seems to love, I'm an ugly son of a bitch and can't lose weight despite intense dieting and thyroid medication and due to debilitating depression I can't find the motivation to put exercise in let alone actually seek help for my mental health especially when I'm completely aware almost everything screwing with me is unfixable by any reasonable means or effort on my part aside from the weight and then I'd just be thin and feeling like shit in a dead end life plagued by medical issues, family problems, paranoia, hatred, boredom, dissatisfaction, and an ugly face.
My life shouldn't be bad, I was good in education and my familly is well off, but even the former is lost since my 6th form was terrible and almost everyone that went there left stupider, unmotivated, and having lost interest in their subjects, and the latter since my father retired and my fat disgusting unhygenic bitch of a sister has been a massive drain on our finances for about 10-15 years.
I'm 20 but I was taken out of my own life for a year and a half of surgeries and pain and another half year of recovery at 18, and I barely got used to being fucking 16 by then, so my mind and my body and my reality are all massively out of sync.
I wish I wasn't so scared of death and unexistence that I could kill myself, but instead I just to be plagued by sometimes several panic attacks over ridiculous existential crises every day for the last decade.
I've got nothing but fear and boredom left in me, man, I'd say it was killing me but unfortunately I'm very fucking alive with nothing to do with it. No amount of advice or helpful words or care from loved ones or strangers has helped or will help. I'm a dead end human being and theres nobody to blame, maybe not even me, it's just fucking life.
