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my PTSD is just dragging me down despite it being a year now. Ive served in two separate militaries and saw a ton of fucked-up shit in the second one, and quite honestly coming back home to my original country has sucked.
I can't adapt, I can't hold a job for more than a few months, currently all I do is chores around the house and sit in silence then lash out and break things everywhere, and pick up the pieces of my fucking mess I made as well as my fucking sanity. I hate the fact I did what I did and meant to die, and have been told once and this person was right, "You were too good of a soldier to get killed".
I shouldn't be alive, and yet I can't take any way out, not even suicide. I'm just numb now, and unemployed, and don't know what I want from life....All the vibrancy and decency I felt was true in humanity is gone, I feel life itself is a lie. That we go around pretending all our lives are fucking fine but the moment like I chirp-up about shit or get upset everyone lashes out at me, like i'm supposed to just fit RIGHT BACK IN with shit and it pisses me off, I just hate people now, I should have never came back, I had purpose, I have morals, I had cause. WTF am I now...
