>>80086878663 again, thank you for your response!
One issue (and sometimes blessing) of my life is an uncertainty whether I love other people. Your love for your wife, with the right trigger, motivated you out of your circumstances but I don't believe I have something comparable currently. What's most compelling to me about life is not other people, but I'm unsure if the love people refer to is simpler and present in me and I haven't recognized it properly. I feel stupid for asking this but I want to know: what are the signs of the love you had which are easy-enough for a sandhopper like me to know I am or am not experiencing the same thing?
Maybe the guilt you speak of is a sign because that does resonate with me. I have the kernel of a conscience somewhere, and it does fuel my apathy and sense of worthlessness that I'm near useless. The one I care most about is 'myself' (past, present, and future iterations of that self too that might not be "me" as I understand me now) and I recognize my lifestyle is no way to respect myself. It hasn't been enough to break me out of this malaise, which is part of my frustration: the one thing I seem to care about isn't enough to get me where I want. I think the guilt has also overwhelmed me in a way that I'm complacent with my inactions and I understand that it's ruining my prospects and those of people around me, but since I already feel like things are over anyway I often don't see the point in trying. I know these reactions are like seasons, and there are seasons of productivity and even job searching/application but I'm not consistent enough to make significant change. Something always derails me. I'm also convinced that even if someone were stupid enough to hire me for my major for I'd fuck it up anyway because I believe I'm incapable of anything.
Maybe I lack the trigger.
This is one of my favorite wallpapers and came from a thread here within the last few years, I'd like to extend it to you.