>>8043253>>8045887Well, it's not a dream come true. The second I started to confess she teared up; I think I almost caused her to have another panic attack. We had to go sit on her bed while I consoled her. She managed to tell me she was in a horrible space, that her PhD was all-consuming and that she felt like she would lose a part of herself if she attempted a relationship with anyone. I made her clarify it wasn't a problem with me, and she said it wasn't. She promised she wasn't trying to protect me in some stupid way from herself; then she dropped the bombshell that she loves me, and that she finds me attractive and just doesn't want the life I represent right now. That she doesn't know if she will ever want it, to be married and happy and stable because she's so fucked mentally. She even said she feels asexual sometimes now (which I feel like has to be at least a little bit due to her new SSRI dose). She was such a mess, and so small and scared of me leaving her. She never actually even said "no" through all her tears, it was only "I can't". It was hard to hear, but I reassured her I wasn't leaving and that I was going to wait, even if forever came to pass. I don't think that was what she necessarily wanted to hear but I can't be completely selfless for her anymore. The next day I flew home, and as we drove to the airport I asked her if she would have had a different answer if she had been in a space to want a relationship with someone. She cut me off and said yes, and then told me when she imagines the future, she imagines it with me, with us together. Married, kids, laughing and talking like we do now. We told each other I love you and I flew home. Honestly, what the fuck can you do? I would jerk off in the bathroom alone every day for the rest of my life just for the chance to fall asleep holding her in my arms. I've never felt the kind of hot, sick love she inspires in me with anyone else in my life. She's going to kill me at this rate.
