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A lot of things have happened in the past two years and it feels like I'm at a point where I feel burned out emotionally and professionally. I have to take care of others while having to address my own things and getting ribbed by family and friends asking why I haven't gotten a more stable job or started up my own family. People think I'm the person who is never bothered since I rarely complain and it annoys me because they don't seem to take it seriously or care the few times I try to open up.
But what's been throwing my emotions into a tornado is that I've also had feelings for my friend for some time now which is giving me some purpose to do things but also hurts. I feel like I can be open with her and be myself without trying to force myself to be cool or care about talking about embarrassing cringe things. Talking to her makes me feel happy and gives me the motivation to be a better person and improve myself. I've discovered new hobbies and started pushing out of my comfort zone because of her. But we've also had our bad times and we were both going through some shit and our last argument was pretty nasty and led to us not talking for a while. That sent me into a depressive spiral but I mostly recover from that. We recently reconnected and things are good again. But what's eating me about this is that I don't think she's interested in a relationship and would rather stay that way between us maybe because she is an introvert and thinks she doesn't connect with people well. And I really like her as a friend but I feel that she's keeping more of a distance because she can sense that I have feelings for her. I think about this a lot more than I should and it's distracting me from just being able to do everyday things. I wish I could tell her but I don't know, it's just fucking me up. I think about her often and I can wait even if it hurts. I don't know if this is just the rantings of a schizo or being in love. At least I got this off my chest if anything.
