>>7058773you will. i'm sorry for your loss, i can't begin to imagine the pain you're in. all i can do is offer some advice:
- stop drinking. i know the numbness helps now, but it's detracting from your ability to move forward and look inward - plus, all the money you save on booze will help you in the $$$ area.
- try to find someone who will listen. if you don't have someone, just ask. people aren't mind readers, they don't know what you're thinking or how you're feeling. reaching out is the hardest part but i guarantee that you will find someone eventually.
- look inward to your own feelings. realize what about losing your father/current situation/financial circumstances is frustrating and stifling your happiness. this isn't about motion, even, but what's keeping you from moving. once you identify the source of the numbness in your life you can begin to look at how to move past it. grief is difficult and long, and there's no way to cut corners. any method that says otherwise will eventually leave you feeling bad all over again.
even when the night is darkest, it pales before the glory of the grey dawn. my favorite time of day is one i usually sleep through - the liminal time between the black of night and the color of day, when the hues of yellow and green and brown begin to seep through in rays of sun. it's grey in the morning, but the most wonderful thing is watching the sun breathe its light down onto the world around you. if you can, i recommend brewing a cup of hot chocolate at about 3 am and watching it in silence. meditate on the small beauty of everything - it isn't always about having your breath taken away; more often it's finding the beauty in watching your breath spiral in cold winter air.
you're going to make it, anon.
