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Going to school, working on second master's degree....kind of basing my whole life on a shitty work-study job. I've placed my whole life in my academic qualifications, but a shitty family life in which I was forced to care for a sibling's child basically led me down this path. Don't have a relationship, jack off to arrest fantasies constantly...I am high-functioning autistic...I just want to get the hell out of the state I currently live in. Been breathing smoke and reading all about the horrible fires only 250 miles away. Worried about COVID but tired of wearing masks all day. Had some existential crises after getting laid off after pandemic hit, had s___dal thoughts a few times.
Family lives 2000 miles away...haven't seen them for 2 years. Bunch of fundamentalist conservative Christians living in a shitty southern state, but they are family.
Finding myself becoming wrapped up in being Japanese American. Finding it helps, but the constant stress of trying to keep a part-time job, keep financially stable, and worrying about the course of the pandemic is starting to drag me into the abyss.