>>7896936Being a "manly" man can weigh on someone heavily. Due to my father being a POS I had to become the man in the house at about 13 and ever since that I have always been seen as a "man." I did all the traditional manly things. I hunted, I lifted weights, I played club up until uni level, I looked out for all the weak around me. In the absence of my father I have had to raise my brother. I have had to teach him how to be confident, how to do well in school, what is right and what is wrong. I don't regret any of that stuff but the cost of being a man has started to weigh on me.
People have literally told me when they think of me they think of masculinity simply because I do very traditionally masculine things and am 6'4 230lbs confident good looking guy. This sounds great and it definitely has its perks but I feel like it has crippled me in many regards. Whenever I speak to any woman they project their ideas of a perfect man onto me because I look like her "perfect" man. The problem is I am not perfect. The scars from my younger years run deep. Once I start opening up about who I truly am as a person women either completely lose interest in me for being "soft" or go on with their fantasy about me.
I don't have friends I feel I can open up to. Whenever I try they make fun of me or just sit in awkward silence. I have only ever found 1 person who I could be completely honest with and of course I fell in love with that woman. Unfortunately, I ended up finding out I was one of her many backup plans for when her bf was not there. As a result I have a lot of emotional trauma that I have not dealt with. I alternate between using porn/alcohol to cope.
I honestly just feel like a disappointment. I was never enough for my mother. My father was never proud of me. My grandfather who was the only man to ever truly look out for me, I ended up disappointing the day of his death. I never end up being the man women hope I am. I wish I was enough for someone.
