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Right now I’ve spent about a day or so with my best friend that I had unwillingly caught feelings for. I’ve had the vulnerable conversation of teling him that even after 3 years, and after his relationships with other women and his most recent one being abusive, I still harbor those feelings. He’s still cool with me and he values my friendship, but he only wants to be friends.
But lately I’ve wondered if my friendship with him and helping ME grow. At times I feel trapped with him; but like a comforting kind of trapped. Like, “sure, even if I may be stuck with you, it’s totally okay with me because I love you. I accept this, even if it bothers me.” It’s like I’ve lost all regard for myself when I’m with him, out of love. He’s currently at work and I’m back at my place planning to go to the gym to reflect more, but last night when I slept over (in separate beds but in the same room), I stayed up in bed until 3am (he was out at midnight) alone with with my thoughts. Asking myself, why am I still doing this? Why do I keep coming back here? For what? He doesn’t want me. I wanted him to be part of my life, but he doesn’t want me to be part of his. Could we at least have sex? Cuddle? Maybe just have a heart-to-heart talk?
I’m away from him now and it kinda hurts, but I know that constant perseverance at the gym and taking care of myself and meeting my goals takes precedence over him. And sometimes I’ll even remember the times where he wasn’t the best; and I know he remembers the times when I wasn’t the best, either.
I love him, but.. y’know. Maybe love can’t stay. Maybe love shouldn’t. I just want to feel at peace with my own goals; but dopamine from false love and friendships are tough to beat.