>>7231710Thanks man
I have daily suicidal thoughts since my psychosis that kicked in about 5 years ago. It's gotten better, but some aspects of it still remains. The hallucinations have gotten better, so now it's only when I've slept bad or my manic/depressive periods are at their worst(bipolar). I used to go to raves and concerts, but my tinnitus is just getting worse, so I can't even ride the bus without earplugs. I tend to get into relationships during my manic periods, and the person I'm with really falls in love with me, as it is just something fun at the time. Ends up with the other person getting really hurt. Always. I can't hold a job due to my tendency of feeling like shit and not seeing any reason to leave bed for periods of 2 weeks at the time. The meds I'm eating are not working. And I keep listening to the same shitty music I listened to since I was 12.
I just want it to end, but I don't have the courage/not too far gone into it to just end it. Feels like everyone would be better off without me, although I know people I really care about wouldn't be able to take it. I try to convince myself that I do this for my little sister, since she's only 15 and has had a rough time since our parents divorce and moms abusive ex she met a few years ago. All I have left is writing, but I suck at it and see no point in trying to publish it anywhere.
What the fuck is there
I don't feel like I'm cheated out of life
I have an apartment and a few friends
I have food for the day
I have internet and safety
I don't want things to be easy
Just not as hard
