Quoted By:
I have a lot of things in my mind at all times, maybe that's why I'm always so damn tired.
The year is coming to an end and I haven't seen my mother in 2 years now. It's been hard to think about it lately, I currently live at the other side of the world trying to find a better future for her and the rest of my family. But I feel I've failed her immensely.
I studied and graduated in 2020 in the middle of the pandemic. For the life of me I couldn't find a job on my area, or even to flip burgers at McDonalds. I can't even say I am 'unemployable' since I haven't even gotten the opportunity to have a proper job (at least in here. Back home I did have a job, but my experience there seems kind of worthless here) and get pay... Even if it's bad.
I got frustrated and started studying programming on my free time. But, the only offer I got 'hired' for was as a Front-end Developer and they can't pay me yet because its a startup company that hasn't really started making money yet. I appreciate the learning experience, but I need to eat, take care of my sister, pay rent, and other shit... I really need the money and I feel I'm failing the people I love because I have no respectable job at the age of 27.
My mother helps me financially, my father just shames me and calls me useless(We don't have a great relationship) even if I am really trying my best. I just want to help my mother back as much as she helps me, and help my sister to pay her studies so she becomes a great professional.
I feel like a fucking loser depending on my parents for money. It makes me hate myself. I do have a girlfriend who helps me when I am an emotional wreck, but I'm scared to make her distant unloading all this emotional bullshit.
Lately, I've thought of ending my life. I don't do it because I know there's people that love me and need me like my partner, mother and my sister. But I can't take the feeling of being worth absolutely nothing.
Sorry for unloading all of this, but I am just so tired.
