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I broke up with the woman I love last week. Today was my 23rd birthday and I spent it mostly alone, if it weren't for work.
Last year on this date, when I turned 22, I was infinitely depressed. All of my friends I had made since moving away to college were a little over a semester away from graduation. And I was bussing tables at a restaurant. It was only my first semester out of school, yet I already felt as if my life had no direction.
But there was this girl. We had already been in love for over 6 months, and we lived together. She made me happy. She was my crutch, allowing me to escape all the insecurities and downfalls I beat myself up over when I was alone.
Through this crutch though, I lost all aspects of a social life. I lost all of the ambition I had when I had first moved away from home. I lost what I now realize was the true me. Instead, I was a shell of myself, of my true potential. It took me over a year and a half to realize, to actually take action and choose a new direction for my life.
Today on my birthday I was alone mostly, sure. I must say though, I felt a whole lot better this year than last. Even without her. Since we've been apart I've had a lot of time to think, but also a lot of time to act. I feel as if my life in back on track. I feel as if I may one day actually reach the potential I have always thought of for myself.
It's weird though, because I don't miss her. I love this girl, but I'm not in love with this girl. And it breaks my heart to know I broke her heart. Reflecting on old photos of us, I smile at the memories, and then tear up on how we're over. But I almost get this sense of relief that I can now be exactly what I want to be.
If you aren't happy anon, you have the power to change it. No matter how difficult a decision, you need to do what is best for you. Time heals everything, and I know that I am now beginning to live the life that I've always wanted to live. And I gotta tell you, I'm really fucking excited.
