>>7599086I realized exactly this while looking at trees and grass and flowers while taking lsd and shrooms. It sounds stupid but it saved my fucking life I swear to God. I was 16 back then and getting closer and closer to suicide every day. Fat, depressed, anxious, angry. History of physical and emotional abuse, alcoholic parents, I mean honestly typical shit in this world, I'm not special. I just couldn't cope. I couldn't handle it like everyone else. The world was dark and gray and devoid of meaning. Death was inevitable maybe even preferred. I hated everything especially myself. I was a neo nazi lol.
And then, I saw. I actually truly saw. For the first time in my life I actually saw the world as it is staring at those trees and flowers. The memory brings tears of joy to my eyes. Even a blade of grass, was, and is still, a magnificent creation of such beautiful complexity. And I got to see it, I was afforded that pleasure.
And then it hit me: I could lose my friends, my family, my job, my legs, my home, anything. And I would still live and go on with life, just because I get to see a tree or flower or blade of grass or a spider or even another human being. And I am filled with joy and compassion for the world. I am so fucking happy to be alive. I began realizing I had a lot more to be thankful for.
I still struggle. Sometimes get depressed for no reason. My anxiety causes heart racing and shakiness, and blushing, and sweating, yet I fight past it. I've started exercising and losing weight. I've finally started getting more into my passions and interests.
I was 16 and ready to die. A flower told me it wasn't true, I didn't want to die. It said I was already dead inside. And that flower breathed some of its life into me before it withered away, and let me see what I'd been missing.
I'm 19 now, close to 20, and God fucking damn I am happy to be alive, and this world is beautiful. It can be for you too anon. Maybe look into therapeutic us of psychedelics?
