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Every night before I go to bed, I've started imagining the life I really want.
It's been a gradual fantasy thats been growing for almost a year or two now, the details, each of them, slowly becoming clearer and clearer.
I'm working on a secret project I haven't told anyone about, a creative project, that im convinced is the thing thats going to hand me that life, that dream, that fantasy. It's going to be the way I can get that special home, get that land, get that yard, all the other things I imagine. There are plenty of things in this dream, plenty of objects. Plenty of stuff, sure. But the one thing I want more than anything, I realized, is Peace.
It took me a long time to find that word for it. Peace. To have Peace. To move away from people and live alone, so I can have that peace of not being expected to serve them and be obligated to them. To work out of my home so I never have to worry about bad weather on the roads since I'm afraid of driving. To make enough money where I dont have to live like I did for those few horrible years, constantly struggling and worried and stressed with bills and late fees and debt collectors calling.
Because at the end of the day, with the life I've lived and the people I've hurt and the things I've done, the greatest peace i can ask for is to be left alone.