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I just wish I knew someone cared for me. My entire life I always felt like I am fighting an uphill battle and my whole life it has been me and only me fighting that battle. I know logically that given the circumstances I grew up in it is a miracle I got this far and am doing so well for myself. I did incredibly well in school, did well in sports, have a pretty good job all things considered. It just never feels like anybody ever loves me.
My mother has always been too traumatized to be able to notice me. I always took care of myself. My brother got the majority of the attention because he was more of a problem child. My dad never cared about me and when he finally left my life it was honestly a relief. I have no strong family connections whatsoever.
I have never been able to establish long term friendships either. I don't think I have had any friend for over a year. I guess people get offended by some of the stupid shit I say, which I understand, but saying that stupid shit feel like an integral part of me, if I don't do it I feel bad. I can also sometimes be oversensitive because I guess I never fully emotionally developed as a result of my harsh upbringing. As a result I can sometimes be unnecessarily hurt and say hurtful things to others which I do not mean. I have changed that behavior in the last 2 years but doesn't seem to have had much effect.
Worst of all is my failure to establish any meaningful relationship with women. I am a very attractive guy, 6'4 225lbs, blonde hair, green eyes. I even get comments on my looks when I walk in the streets. Girls ask for number even. Despite this I can never get a girl to be my gf. I always talk to them for a couple weeks or months and right before I want to ask them out they say they aren't ready for a relationship or straight up ghost me. I honestly wish I knew why this is. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I have given many women my best and it just wasn't good enough. My best isn't good enough.
