>>7205553my 21st birthday is coming up
ill be 21 in july
my family suspects i have no friends to go with
my mom and sister are planning to take me out
to a bar probably
when my mom told me about the plans she ended with 'unless you already have plans'
she was hoping id tell her i was going with my friends
i dont remember what i told her
id rather not celebrate at all
at this point it just feels like im celebrating the years since i should have gotten my shit together but didn't
all through childhood i was told i was bright
they said i was destined for greatness
i was in a pre calculus club in 5th grade and then i was nominated for a pre college academy in middle school
teachers praised me for my public speaking and problem solving skills
im supposed to be smart
i dont feel smart
i feel stupid, like i cant understand anything
i dont remember what they taught me in school
sometimes i try but theres only a grey cloud
it becomes difficult and so i stop trying
im 6' 2" or maybe 6' 3" but i slouch
i have above average looks (or so im told)
but it hasn't done me any good
because of my size and because i have whatever the male equivalent of resting bitch face is
people find me intimidating and unapproachable
im also super insecure about my body
im about 20lbs overweight and im not muscular
i have man tits because of this
maybe they aren't as noticeable as i think they are but i still wear at least two shirts and a jacket when i can
makes summer hard and uncomfortable
i used to have a gym membership but i never went
i have started riding my bike more and i bought some weights for home but i cant seem to do it consistently
i also have no clue how to exercise effectively
im not changing
i feel like im broken
but how do i fix myself
maybe a therapist could help
but i dont see how
id just tell them what im telling you
and theyd tell me i need to do what i know i need to do
i want to go home
but i already am
its all so tiresome
