>>7205545the worst part is that i know why im depressed
i know what will make me better
but im too apathetic to do anything about it
its easier to just go to work and then come home and wait for tomorrow
to just go through the motions of life without living
because that would require a desicion
a leap of faith
so i sit in this chair
i pretend not to be depressed though
i pretend everything is fine
when people ask me about myself i just avoid the question or change the topic
its getting harder to fake though
my family notices my lack of friends
my mom sometimes asks me about whether i have a girlfriend or not
i always just avoid the topic or act coy
i won't lie to them but they can fill in the gaps if it makes them feel better
i try not to blame my parents for my problems
they both had worse childhoods than mine and shittier parents
they may have caused my malaise but the responsibility for shitty childhoods lies with each previous generation
so if we all blame our parents, there is no room for personal responsibility
also my relationship with them now is pretty good and getting mad at them would not fix me
it would just break them
my family is the reason i have not killed myself
if they weren't around, there is no question in my mind that i would be dead
i dont want my brother to have a brother who killed himself
and my parents who are working at bettering themselves would be shattered
especially my dad who is recovering from cancer
sometimes i am resentful
i could have escaped this facade if not for them
but its not healthy to think this way
i have no hobbies
i have no aspirations
i dont even have interests
i like lots of things but i love nothing
not enough to put any effort into it
everything i try to get into i only try half way
like im faking it
when characters in movies or books struggle to achieve goals even when all seems hopeless
i envy them
at least they have something to strive for
something that drives them
