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This past month has been some of my greatest ups and lowest downs.
Firstly, I got an assignment to the UK. given my current base in the states, I cried with joy. But with this blessing, all of my coworkers have turned bitter and give me the cold shoulder anytime i try to make decent conversation. (take that with a grain of salt, it's a bit difficult to describe the tension between my coworkers and I since I've gotten the assignment)
Same with my best friend, we work together and we've gone through the same training and have known each other for over a year. (in my line of work thats a long time), but since i got this assignment he's been silently hoping it gets cancelled because he doesnt want me to leave. He's my best friend so of course i don't want to leave him behind but holy fuck i just want someone to share my excitement without some backhanded joke like "haha maybe if i kill you they'll send me to the UK instead."
Secondly, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago. She lied to me and I decided I wasn't in the mood to get lied to again so I left. No big deal, I just forgot how lonely you can really feel after you get hurt by someone you care about.
After a combination of these two things and mood swings from trying to quit smoking, im either angry and or sad all the time. I expect every compliment to be secretly an insult, and now I avoid leaving my room because I don't want to come off as an asshole to someone that i actually really admire, or have them sense that i'm actually really hurting inside and try to get me help.
Recently I've been taking my anger out on myself. Not physically, just degradation of my self image. I feel gross. I feel like i look way worse that I do. I know I'm a halfway decent looking guy but I cant help but just try to dig into myself anytime i catch a look at myself in the mirror.
