I know how you feel OP, similar thing happened to me.
Years ago I was a full-blown NEET. I lived alone in a house which was slowly deteriorating because I never cleaned or took care of anything. I was technically living with my mom, but she had moved out and was living with her boyfriend (now my step-dad) in his apartment on the other side of town. She paid all of the bills and would bring groceries every other week or so, but that was it. I never went outside, I didn't have a job, I didn't go to school, it was the worst time of my life. The only human interaction I had was those rare times I'd be awake when my mom came over, other than that I only interacted with people over the internet. honestly, the only reason I wasn't kicked out was probably because of my age and my mom feeling guilty about "abandoning" me, since I was only like 16 when it started and stayed like that for years.
Anyway, in that time I met a girl online. We talked, and I was always honest about the kind of person I was, with everyone. I was, and still am, severely depressed and saw myself as a piece of shit, so I didn't try hiding it, I was pretty open about doing nothing with my life and wanting to kill myself, thinking back on it now I was probably just being edgy, but whatever. So she knew fully what kind of person I was, that I wasn't in school, that I couldn't get a job, that I was a mess physically, mentally, and emotionally. Despite that she still talked to me and was always nice to me, we were just friends at first, but as the years went on we started talking more and more and spending more time together.
I knew I liked her and thought of her as more than just a friend, but I was too scared to say anything because I didn't want that to be the "tipping point" you know? I didn't want her to think of me as some creepy guy obsessing over her, so I bottled it up and never said anything. I want to type more but I'm at the limit, and I doubt anyone is going to read it, I just need to vent.
