>>7315311I spent so much of my life keeping my head down and working towards reaching my goal of becoming a corporate "normie" and living the classic American life. I'm a pretty anxious person so the idea of a very stable adult life always appealed to me. When my Mom got cancer, when my parents divorced, whenever I was in a rough patch I always had that dream to latch onto to give me hope.
I always had this autistic vision in my mind that kept replaying since middle school, where I'd meet my wife and have a kid with her and show them my new office. This literal fantasy kept me going for years and when I entered college last year I met a girl who looked exactly like this wife that had been in my dreams. However, when I went to ask her out I realized I didn't feel a spark with her and that I was actually pretty emotionally exhausted from everything I'd been dealing with.
I realized I never took time to reflect on my life and myself, I was always coping with the shit life threw at me by making jokes and working. When I finally took some time to ask myself what I wanted out of life it was none of this. I realized I had repressed that I liked guys my entire life, I wanted so badly to "fit in" that I never asked myself what I truly wanted.
I got that big corporate internship like I always wanted, and I couldn't feel more lonely. All I want is to be held and wrapped in the arms of someone who really cares about me, a feeling I always denied myself. I want to work a fulfilling job, not this bullshit, and I want real love, not a sexual trophy to show my parents.
There is still a month left of this year and if things are like this now I can only imagine what 2019 will bring, I'm not taking this shit anymore. I'm sick of waiting for happiness to come, it's time I did something instead of letting my life be decided for me.
