Well, why not? This message will disappear soon. I'm 20 right now, still living with my mom. I don't know what to do with my life, I'm just living each day and nothing more but I don't know how much of this I can resist. My younger and older brother are in the university studying medicine and I'm here trying to figure out what's what I want. I've tried to study some engineering but it doesn't motivate me anymore. I'm sick of words like "you're intelligent", "you can do it", "you'll gonna reach your goals". Bullshit, nonetheless, I really want to do something. In finals of 2017 I had planned killed myself because all my attempts to get in the university failed. I tried one last time and, you know, life is a bitch... I was admitted. Everything was cool, some mistakes but yeah. Now today everything is worse. No money, my family is disappointed, I lose the opportunity of still in the university and I no longer live alone. People say I'm too young to be sad for this, but it's hard when everyone is looking at you disgusted, and it's worse when you sabotage yourself.
I want to be honest, now I don't want to die. I'm vexed at myself for being such a jerk and that's my, I don't know, "my motivation" to still trying. I have one, and only one plan right now that, if it works, I'll be studying medicine too or some shit I like, but that will take some time. Precisely everything will be completed next year, around march.
The biggest problem are keeping me breathing and trying, I hate lying on bed because is hard to get up, ignoring bad thoughts and don't quit. I kinda know myself and seriously, I cannot trust me. Once I went to a psychologist and he said I'm too self-aware and I have a lack of motivation. Sure.
And, well, if I fail this time, I'll end myself. I'll sell everything I have and save the money for my mother.
