>>30383264I was retelling narratives from /vt/ to my mom for two years because she's the only alive person I could talk to and there was literally nothing else to talk about. If I didn't do that, there would be months of dead air.
Recently I was talking about my oshi and she said "just look at yourself" pointing out how ridiculous it is knowing everything about what some random girls on the internet said on stream a year ago. The tone was not judgemental, she just tried to laugh it off. But that "look at yourself" got me deeper than intended, and I looked into abyss. "I know I'm a piece of shit right" - my words got out without my control and I immediately burst into tears. It was increasingly harder to hold tears since the beginning of this year. I turned away so she don't see it. She at least pretended she didn't, even though she was pretty close. I cried hard, but tried to remain completely silent, I couldn't wipe my tears either. When I had to blow my nose she said "have you got a cold?", I snapped "Go away".
When she was finally gone, I sat without motion for about half an hour. My mind was absorbed in positive feedback loop "JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF I MUST KILL MYSELF JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF ", I felt like I'm going to snap. To come to senses I took paperweight and hit myself in the head several times. It worked because I saw blood. It was heavier and sharper than I expected, so soon my whole face was covered in blood, as well as hand and t-shirt. I washed face and applied bandage and ice. Luckily, the wounds were small and healed completely the next day, it wasn't even visible under hair. When mom returned the next day, it looked like nothing happened.
This is how I live, I need a distraction of any kind, so as not to think about my shitty life, my past, present future and how hopeless it is, or else I burst into tears instantly. I need constantly think about anything else but myself, even some random ethot I hate will do.
Improve yourself alright. I'm almost 30.
No, this is not bait. And I tried to socialize, but got burned and it made things even worse.
