>>38703681Strap in, father, this is going to be a long one.
I didn't really "get" ASMR. Not until last week.
I've tried listening to a bit of ASMR before, but never really got into it, and most of what I've seen sounded weird and at times kind of gross.
I assumed that it was because I'm a literal sperg – as in a diagnosed autismo, who, by the ripe old age of 27, has never been in any romantic relationships or was really involved with women at all. Obviously, I rationalized, I've never been in these kinds of situations and am not particularly likely to find myself in one, so even as a LARP it's bound to feel awkward and vaguely uncomfortable to me.
Long story short, turns out I just never found the kind that appealed to me before.
Last Friday night Youtube randomly recommended me an ASMR video by a JP chuuba I'm subscribed to but don't follow particularly close. I didn't think much of it and did not even look at the name beyond the ASMR tag before clicking – I was already in bed, but didn't feel like sleeping just yet and simply wanted to listen to something on a tablet for a dozen or so minutes or until I start feeling drowsy.
It turned out to be the kind of GFE ASMR that's romantic, but not explicitly erotic. The girl roleplayed as a kind onee-san gf, who was falling asleep beside me, so lots of sweet whispering and blowing in my ears, some hugs and breath that felt really, really close. You know the stuff.
And something in me just snapped. I cried like I probably never cried before. It felt entirely involuntary. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. I ended up listening for the entire hour and instantly queued up two more, bawling my eyes out all the while. Since then I've been listening to Japanese GFE ASMR and crying for at least an hour every night before falling asleep.
Is this what it feels like to want to be loved, /vt/? Is this what goslings feel in their hearts all the time? Despite being a khv nearing wizardhood I never really considered myself an incel as I never made an honest attempt to get a romantic partner, or even seriously thought about making such an attempt since I was sure that I'd probably be better off alone. And so I've lived alone for the last 9 years, since leaving for college. But now? I don't know anymore. But it's not like a clinically anxious, autistic mess of a man like me can even hope to find anyone. Just listening to GFE chuubas is probably my best bet, at least before daddy Elon shows up to give me my government-mandated AI gf in 10 or so years.
This really is too much, too raw and painful of a feeling.
tl;dr local autismo gets recommended GFE ASMR by the algorithm; is subsequently devastated, having discovered romantic emotions he didn't even know he had.
Thanks for reading my gay ass blog post, /vt/, I really wanted to get all of this off my chest. It's probably the most I've written in a while here. 
