>>51964679bless thy soul. I was about to lose hope! All around a really good chapter - I definitely enjoyed the read. However, I do agree with the others that it feels a bit lacking in parts.
I mean, one of your big talents is writing smart and witty banter, no question about it - Our Cures was just superb in that regard. Considering that, the relationship of Anon and Towa here feels a bit too innocent, sterile and... formal? Making it really corny at times. In my mind, Towa would've hugely profited from being a more confident retard - not admitting to her innocence and getting caught up in the consequences
(drinking sea water, having to go to the toilet, even the kiss).
You did pick up on making Towa try to act more 'devilish' later in the chapter, but that could've been a major plot point from the start. This way, she was just really shy, unknowing and apologetic for the longest time, which she doesn't strike me as in her streams at all.
You're also very good at the scene descriptions, but it feels like you get a bit lost in them. I mean, you've written almost 14k words and drawn a very vivid mental image for us, but from what I can tell, the only reason why the two protags like each other is because "Towa sexy" and "Anon nice".
I also have mixed feelings about the cameos. I thought them neat at first, but as it went on, it almost felt a bit too 'on the nose' - a bit too interwoven, especially in Polka's case. I actually read 'A Crash Course on Fennecs and Love' first and I have to say that reading about Polka in 'Deal with the Devil' actually took away from her character in her own story. Which leads me to…
>>51965083All in all cute and fluffy, just how I like it. I’m not too much of a fan when it comes to Anon’s borderline nihilistic outlook on life, but kudos to you for actually giving him a bit more depth of character. You can also use that as a base for further character development in later chapters, as he continues to hang out with Polka.
Speaking of which, Polka is cute and likable. The self-doubts and constant apologizing fit her and the setting very well.
However, I will repeat my point from earlier: the information I got from 'Deal with the Devil' left a bit of an aftertaste in my mouth and it colors the whole interaction with biker-anon
as one big rebound instead of the steamy, passionate love I thought it to be. I mean, that could be a plot point in itself, but I don’t know if that’s what you really wanted to go for.
Also…
Jesus Christ, they jump each others bones fast! I mean, I don’t mind - that’s what I want to happen after all, but that almost came out of left field, really! Would’ve liked a bit more development in that regard, maybe?
In conclusion, I realize that my criticism reads kind of harsh, now that I look back on it. I don’t want to beat you down by any means - I just want take the time and be plain and honest because I love your works and I KNOW you can make the next chapters even better. The later chapters of Our Cures are among my absolute favorite, after all. Thanks again for the amazing volume of entertainment - I’m looking forward to whatever you put out next.
