This was therapeutic to write, but boring to read.
I have been thinking - a big mistake, I know.
I was saying, I have been thinking. As a child, was I happier?
I don't have many memories of me as a little kid. I suspect I hit my head somewhere.
I am not joking. I have no recollection of my first 18 months of high school. I have some memories about a teacher, but probably they aren't real memories. The timeline in them is all wrong.
My first memory of high school is a trip to Austria. Literally, the last day of middle school, then nothing until this trip. There is nothing interesting in them, just us laughing about Mozart's balls.
Then there were a few months of bullying, which stopped as soon as my third-year memories start. Maybe I was abused, and this blackout is a way to deal with the trauma. If I had more confidence in my looks, I would believe more in this theory. Alas, I was not cute enough, so probably I just hit my head.
The rest of my high school memories are fairly boring. A teacher mistook me for another student; he had the same name as me and a very similar surname. Fairly awkward for my parents, though. Bullies became friends, and there were a couple of teachers I thought were cool.
If we go even deeper, there isn't much. The first memory I am sure of is of a car trip with a friend and his mother, who caught some falling coins with her thighs. I forgot who this friend and his mother are, though. My sexual awakening, and I don't even know with whom. I remember burning my finger with hot glue for school as an elementary kid. I have no scar from it, but it's important because it's the first time I hurt myself for real. Now I look at hands with two scars on the fingers and a burnt side of the hand that looks normal except no hair grows on it. Nothing compares to the huge knife-like scar I got on my head while working. It looks bad enough that I got stopped twice while crossing countries. I was asked if I used to work in Belgrade. Lol, I wonder who they were looking for.
But back to me as a kid. I am jealous of people who had childhood defining media. I never had that. I was never a Kingdom Hearts fanboy, a super wow player, or anything close to that. Yeah, I started playing wow in late vanilla, a few months before TBC came out, and I played through Wrath. I have no real memories of it, though. I just realized that all that came from playing in Wrath was me showing an achievement I got there to a guild member years later, in Legion, when I started playing again. I know I existed because of some objective material evidence years later. Is it the same with the scars? They mark that I existed. Maybe this short story, as dumb as it is, is the perfect summary of what my thoughts are. I feel like I missed something. I am jealous of even people who did nothing but watch cartoons because they remember that.
Then, if I have nothing, why do I want to go back? Is it just fear of adulthood? I have nothing to fear. Yeah, it's a stressful job with responsibilities, but is it more stressful than the time I forgot a gate opened and I feared my mom's turtle had run away? Maybe I am just homesick for a time I am not even sure exists.
