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I'm 20 years old now, and knowing that is nauseating. I have to figure out exactly who I'm going to be and how, tomorrow. People put so much pressure on me and I need to perform all the time. I am kicking ass in my opinion.
Sometimes, though... I just want to feel nothing. I want to be a near emotionless robot. Then I could be endlessly responsible and caring, without any of the baggage of fatigue or mental illness.
I am sick and fucking tired of online school. I did two and a half years of online high school, and then I did a half year of some in-person community college classes and some fully online.
Then, covid hit. Now I'm stuck in my room most days, fending off depression with a spear, trying to manage my anxiety by any means necessary and keep up on my responsibilities. I feel lucky to be who I am, and I also want to die nearly every day.
I keep going solely because I am also lucky enough to have a lot of people who truly care about me and want the best for me. Otherwise, I would have committed suicide many years ago. I am tired.
I am so fucking tired. All the time. I need to call in and get help for my sleep apnea, but for some stupid reason I keep putting it off. Probably because I have convinced myself I'm busier than I actually am. I digress...
I'm also extremely unhealthy and romantically lonely. It was a mistake to date at all in high school. Now I know what it's like to be in long-term relationships with immature chicks and I wish I didn't. Right after those relationships I got sexually harassed and abused by this dude named Eric. He was a fucking scumbag sociopath, so now I'm stuck also feeling completely sexually corrupted and I'm still somewhat addicted to porn, which I have to hide from literally everyone.
All things considered I feel somewhat fine, I know I'm going to live way longer than I want to. I am tired of covid and tired of life as it is. Hopefully I can do more party drugs in my down time and get more done in my productivity hours