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I took out $20k in personal loans to finance sex with hookers. I found out about seeking arrangements and used that to bring girls over constantly. New girl every night, hot college aged cuties.
There's one girl who I met who came over two times, but each time I felt like we had a genuine connection. She was so smart and sweet and soft, she acted like a gf. I remember cuddling with her on the couch thinking "this is what it's like to have a girlfriend"
I don't know what I hoped. Maybe she would see through the fact I was paying her to be with me and like me for me? That we would be able to make something long-term work out of a short term thing? I don't know. One day she ghosted me and decided she could find a better situation elsewhere.
I don't know what I regret more some days. That I financially pained myself to engage in this nonsense or that I still think about her and miss her emotionally. I see her on fb and try to block her but I don't. I dreamt about her last night and I haven't spoken to her in a year. I know it's a lie. I know she isn't real. But I feel for her all the same. My emotions are convinced that she was a woman who cared for me, and it's just not true.
Is true love even real? How can I go through life and not manage to manifest one significant relationship? Where is my +1? Am I even capable of bonding anymore?
