>>7860672You really want to traumatize your family by letting them find your self-mutilated corpse, then, in their indescribable grief and confusion that their child/sibling could do such a thing without ever reaching out for help -- you would make them take care of the funeral and cope with the loss of you? Just because you don't want to be a burden?
I really don't think you do, because you seem to be the kind of person who doesn't want to inconvenience others -- maybe you could transmute grow that quality into genuine loving-kindness towards others?
You sound like a very sensitive and insightful person. You can be sure of the fact that using your gifts to help others will pull you out of your self-focused misery. You have a lot to offer, you just haven't learned to appreciate the quality of the nature you've been given.
It is in giving that we receive <-- took me years to learn this, but this is a 100% true metaphysical axiom of reality - in order to find joy, first give joy to others
If we want to have forgiveness, first forgive others
If we want to be understood, we first have to endeavor to understand others
Take care, and I hope you get well soon, anon.