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On one side, I'm doing well. I need to get back into a job, its been a while of not working and I'm running out of my reserves. But other than that, I've slowed down on drinking, I have a somewhat formed diet, and I've been going to the gym for the last 4 months and its starting to show. I'm generally happy for the most part.
On the other side, I have this deep existential dread, I'm much older than I'd like to admit to myself, too old to be living at home again. I want to learn something other than labor but I'm worried I'm not smart enough to excel at something thats entirely brainy. Although my friends are all wonderful, I'm very clearly lagging behind in life. Most of my friends are thinking on marriage, buying a house, etc. I'm just awkwardly coasting, haven't had a real relationship in years, haven't ever had a career just jobs. I've started to come out of my nihilistic mentality and have been thinking even if life seems aimless, I should at least try and have a good life for myself. At a certain point I just had the mindset of I'll just keep closet drinking as much as possible until my mom can't handle how long I've been at home and jobless and kicks me out and just kind of go from there, letting my friends pass me by and go on with their lives. But now I want to catch up, get my own place again, start building my credit and being cash positive, even if it means going back to being a wageslave that's just life. I dunno, I feel like Im in another growing pains phase in my life, and it makes me anxious.
