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I'm 24, haven't graduated college, was in the middle of wasting my early 20s partying when I got my girlfriend pregnant. I love her and we kept the baby. Best thing that ever happened to me. But I can't help feeling like my situation is paradise lost, like I was flying in a helicopter over a mountain that I'm now enduring an avalanche upon. I feel motivated and then lethargic, driven and then listless. I can't stay consistent. I always have this little voice in my head telling me there's something else I could have been. I'm stuck in a wageslave job making enough money to have a nice life but it's nothing to be proud of. With the stress of being an unmarried new parent, I genuinely don't see light at the end of the tunnel. Taking out loans is not an option, so I have to work. Going to school, being a parent and working is draining. I can't perform to the best of my ability academically so I'm sliding through by the skin of my teeth. I got a 26 on the ACT without studying at all, I have a 130ish IQ. I could be really successful but I just can't find traction. I don't know where to turn to keep moving. I once heard a short phrase "Apathy is death." But that's what I long for. To be carefree on the fucking moon drinking a beer. No one to judge, no one to expect anything, no one to hold me accountable. It's so hard. I'm tired all the time. I need to find the motivation. I try to eat well but it's fucking expensive and I don't have goddamn time for food prep. I want to work out but I have to be there for my girl and our baby whom I love dearly. I feel like I'm in a tornado. I can't fucking focus. Adderall doesn't help, drugs don't help, drinking doesn't help, I smoke weed many times every day, I am so preoccupied with my future that I can't remember basic things like my wallet and keys. I live in a constant state of disappointment. A wide-angle lens. I need to zoom in. How?
