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Hi folks, hope yall are doing well. I am doing good, not really but better than I was. If anyone cares a year or two ago I was at the lowest point in my life, I was 19, lost my mom and was working a deadend job. Things have since then changed for the better, thanks to you. Thank you for the kind words back then, for all the help, it really meant the world to me...
Sadly here I am again, for selflish reasons no less. Like many people I feel stuck, stuck in my own mind and my way of thinking. Do you know that feeling when wake up on a Saturday early because you forgot to turn off your alarm? You look at your phone and think "Huh I could actually get up the same time I usually do and do something" but you turn off your phone and lie down again, hoping to never ever leave the warmth of your blanket. Of course everyone knows this, but for me this the reason I am so confused. When I was little I thought "If I dont want to wake up, I just wont!" and Id hide under the duvet until mom got pissed. I realized that forever being asleep is not possible, well, when I was maybe 8? I learned it was possible, and very simple - you just had to die! My dog died and she didnt have to bother waking up for school or walks, she could nap all she wants! Since then I always thought of death, in both a freightened way and a fascinated one, like when you're a shy kid and too scared to go to the playground alone. I wanted to die, maybe its because I am so "sleepy", maybe its because my dreams were always so so much better than my reality, maybe its just because I never had the courage to accept life as is... But since then I have been constantly planning the perfect end. Ya know, set the scene and imagined how Id do it. I always wanted it to be when I was still fairly young, maybe once I hit 30 sounded good enough. By then I hoped that my family members would pass away so that they didnt have to suffer through it, and the way things are going this might well be the case...